Take My Crown Jewels . . . Please!

Sometimes you just have to feel sorry for Sherlock Holmes.

Here was a man who constantly worked to be the best in his field of endeavor. Not content to just keep up with the current trends in criminology, he pushed on with his own advances in a field that sorely needed new thought. He spent long evenings on such tedious chores as pasting clippings in his commonplace book for future reference, and in the mornings, when he was out beating a corpse or harpooning a hog, he endured the strange looks and gibing commentary of those less enlightened. Sherlock Holmes gave his all in becoming the best consulting detective Victorian England could produce ... and where did it get him?

"The London criminal is certainly a dull fellow," Holmes bemoans in an early paragraph of BRUC. In those post-Moriarty days of the latter 1890s, the man did a lot of that sort of complaining, and with good cause. Even though Holmes had built himself up to be the acme of criminal investigators, the other side was' making no such progress. Professor Moriarty had been the best opponent the criminal world had to offer Holmes, and once he was dead, well ... what could Holmes expect? Crime is most commonly a profession of the unskilled or lazy. What kind of challenge could such folk pose for the likes of Sherlock Holmes?

For example, just look at the thieves of the Canon. There are 14 many connotations of the word "thief," from the guttersnipe stealing apples, to the gentleman burglar (fiction's A.J. Raffles or televisions Alexander Mundy come quickest to mind). Within the provinces of that word one may also find the professional safe-cracker, the scheming art thief, or the impossible sort of criminal genius who goes after the crown jewels. Those, unfortunately, are not the rank of criminal we generally find Holmes chasing. Throughout Watson's records of Holmes's cases, the detective encounters twenty-six thieves in all. Of these, at least half were committing their very first crime. Instead of the cool, calculated handiwork of a Mundy or Raffles, Sherlock Holmes found himself investigating the haphazard plottings of a Lady Hilda Trelawney Hope or young Gilchrist, and what manner of thieves were they?

Lady Hilda let herself be blackmailed into her crime to begin with, and then didn't even know what she was stealing (SECO). Gilchrist's crime was the theft of the answers to his Greek examination (3STU), and he even took such pains as to carry muddy track shoes in with him while he carried out his daring burglary! Holmes couldn't help but feel sorry for these pathetic excuses for criminals, so he let both go free. Of course, Scotland Yard was hardly interested in locking up cheating college boys, in any case.

There are those who may, at this point, still want to protest such an assessment of thieves of the Canon. Sure, there were amateurs like James Ryder of BLUE, but what of the thieves Holmes faced who weren't committing their first crime? What of the habitual criminals, the incorrigibly larcenous?

Looking at the professional thieves Holmes had to deal with, one's view of the detectives career becomes sadder still. Remember those goofy Beddington brothers of STOC. The minute the game was up one of them tried to hang himself with his suspenders, a silly notion if there ever was one. How about that wacky Stockdale gang from 3GAB? Barney, his wheezy wife Susan, and (hang your Holmesian heads in shame) Steve Dixie? These were the kind of professional thieves Holmes was facing! Let's not even get into Count Negretto Sylvius and Sam Merton of MAZA. Poor Sherlock -- years of training, and he winds up tracking down the Bowery Boys.

It will have to be admitted that Holmes did get to go up against the wily John Clay of REDH, and perhaps Beppo of SIXN was kind of clever. But such criminals were too few and far between, and after a time even their skill was not up to Holmes's ever-growing ability and experience. The challenge was really going out of the old detective career for Holmes in those later years. if the criminals weren't going to keep the game lively, then Holmes either consciously or unconsciously would have to try livening it up for himself. How else can you explain this later penchant for burglary in CHAS, 3GAR, and RETI? If they can't beat you (or even put up a good tussle), join ‘em!

Eventually, even his own little criminal jaunts were not enough to keep things interesting for Holmes. What was once the fabulous world's-first-consulting-detective career eventually became just a job, boring and routine. When Holmes no longer needed the money, retirement became a very appealing option, despite his relatively young age. Ironically enough, those incompetent thieves and their fellow criminals had finally stolen the one thing of priceless worth from all of us – the services of the planet’s best criminal investigator.

(Printed in Plugs & Dottles, April 1987)