The Mr. Scotland Yard Pageant
and False Arrest Hall of Fame

"They are as jealous as a pair of professional beauties," Sherlock Holmes once said of Gregson and Lestrade, the two best known Scotland Yard men that he dealt with during his career. In the tale that followed, STUD, we learned that what Holmes said was true. The men of the Yard were a jealous lot, trying to best each other and grab the limelight at every turn. In honour of these paragons of Victorian policework, I think it's time we held a "beauty" contest -- a competition among the men of Scotland Yard to once and for all place the credit where credit is due. A Sherlockian False Arrest Hall of Fame might make a companion exhibit to the Yard's infamous "black museum" of criminal relics, so with this in mind, let's re-examine the candidates.

Taking the lead position in any survey of Scotland Yard's finest must certainly be Tobias Gregson. While G. Lestrade is more familiar to the reader, the tall, blond Gregson holds the prime spot in the Canon of the first Scotland Yarder to make a false arrest. In STUD, Gregson arrests young Arthur Charpentier at the drop of a motive which, in itself, isn't too unusual. Gregson, however, adds to his honours by having his false arrest uncovered, not by Holmes, but by fellow Yardman Lestrade. To have Holmes prove you wrong was no disgrace at all to the official police, but to have it done by a fellow Yarder? Gregson's embarrassment alone should have been enough to gain him a spot in the False Arrest Hall of Fame.

Another sure candidate for the hall would, of course, be the renowned G. Lestrade for making more false arrests in more cases than any other member of the force. Lestrade had the strength of character to put up with the shame of a few incarcerated innocents, and keep coming back to Holmes even if the detective proved him wrong again. Among Lestrade's bag of innocents were John Hector McLarlane (NORW), John Mitton (SECO), and (if he hadn't already been dead) Cadogan West (BRUC). To his credit, the little Yardman did clear the false arrests of at least two individuals -- the aforementioned Arthur Charpentier and James McCarthy (BOSC). If for nothing else, Lestrade deserves a special place in the Hall of Fame since he was the one member of the Yard who learned from his mistakes. Other members of the force, once embarrassed by Holmes's revelation of their false arrests, stayed out of the detective's way in future cases (making the number of innocents held in English prisons much higher than it had to be, no doubt). Lestrade seemed to be more concerned with justice than pride, and for that he deserves any honours accorded him.

Though not a member of the Yard, I think Inspector Baynes of the Surrey constabulary deserves a special note. During the one case in which Baynes crossed paths with Holmes (WIST), he did make a false arrest, but unlike his London counterparts, he did it on purpose to draw out the true criminal in the matter. Baynes was looking to better his spot in life, but one has to wonder what he thought of bettering it to -- Scotland Yard was no place for such talent. Perhaps both he and Lestrade eventually graduated to their own consulting detectives firms.

Scotland Yard could get along fine on its own without Baynes and Lestrade. There seemed to be an ample supply of inspectors willing to run out and arrest the wrong person as it was. Bradstreet, Gregory, Forbes, Hopkins . . . I'm sure there were plenty more from where that lot came. Such poor souls as John Horner, John Hopley Neligan, and Mrs. Tangey would still have plenty of opportunity to experience life in London's jails even without the help of Lestrade or Baynes. In fact, their help may have been required by Holmes in getting all the falsely-arrested innocents cleared before the last days of the 19th century.

But forgetting those inspectors who learned their lesson, let's return to the original intention of this month's column. A "beauty" contest we were holding, and a contest it shall be. Judges, the envelope, please.

And the winner of our Scotland Yard "beauty" contest is none other than SIGN's own Athelney Jones! Scotland Yard's answer to Nero Wolfe, the portly Jones was responsible for the false arrests of not one, not two, but four people in the same case. Incredible! Take it away, Bert Parks:

"There he goes, Mr. Scotland Yard . . . there he stands, our ideal . . . . "

(Printed in Plugs & Dottles, April1988)