Help Wanted: Sherlockian Columnist

HELP! I'M BEING HELD PRISONER IN A SHERLOCKIAN NEWSLETTER!

Yes, the statement you have just read is true. All across America, poor pieces of thought just like this one are being held hostage in the centerspread pages of Plugs & Dottles. There is no escape for these sad little samples of cogitation, because they have made it to the printed page, trar forever within ink and paper. Their owner, your humble columnist, is running frighteningly low on such thoughts, and needs to retain any more that come along. For his sake, for the sake of all those poor little innocent thoughts he has left, we are asking for your help.

YOU, TOO, CAN BE A P&D CENTERSPREAD COLUMNIST!

Yes, in two easy lessons, you, too, can write for this well-regarded publication. Don't let Sherlockian bullies kick sand in your face, when you can flex your Sherlockian mental muscles monthly in these very pages. Whal are the two easy lessons, you ask? First, read the Sherlock Holmes storiee Then, type two to two and a half pages (double-spaced) of whatever pops into your head. There are, of course, more detailed instructions in the advanced course, available in 484 monthly installments, costing $21.95 each but we haven't had much call for them lately -- a sure sign that training is the least of your worries.

DON'T MAKE ME BEG!

Yes, I am that desperate. Bob has to fill these middle pages with some. thing, and you really, really don't want to see two-page groaners. Perhap one of the two hundred and thirty-six new scions that started in Illinois and Missouri in the last six months might like to lease these two pages -- why own your own newsletter when you can rent? Take the hassle out of producing and mailing your club's monthly data; move into an already establi centerspread with utilities furnished.

As for the previous tenant . . . I'm burnt out. I need a rest-a long rest (yes, Montague Street Incorrigibles out there have heard this before). Among Trekkies, those fans of the lesser televised fiction, there is a te called "gafiating" which refers to what happens to the Trekkoids when the warp drive engines give out and they need to just forget about Star Trek for a while. That's what I want to do -- forget about jolly old Victorian England and hansom cabs and gaslamps, and mentally hang out on the beach for a while, drinking lime phosphates.

Why? That's getting a little personal, don't you think? But one does need input to have output, and to get fresh data one must occasionally leave the close confines of one's study and wander the wide world, absorbing those things chance encounters may bring.

Even Conan Doyle eventually wanted to kill Sherlock Holmes. And there has always been a side to Sherlockian hero worship that's bothered me: the thought that we're all mere Watsons, all sitting around being amazed by the great detectives antics, and content with our lots. Sure, Sherlock Holmes was this guy who was pretty good at what he did, but we can be just as good ed at what we do, if we just give ourselves the chance. An old Zen proverb warns: "If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him!" This means that true meaning must come from inside ourselves, rather than from outside reference points. Somehow, the Moriartian paraphrase "If you meet Sherlock Holmes on the road, kill him!" seems appropriate to my point of view just now.

I know, there are those who will say, "he made BSI, now he's taking it easy." Well, they're half right. Being inducted into the Baker Street Irregulars has affected my thinking of late. I have never been wholeheartedly in favor of any group that discriminates against females in the choice of its membership. The counsel of some well-meaning friends got me to attend the dinner this year, and now I find I am a member of a group that discriminates against women. It just doesn't sit well on my soul, regardless of any honor involved.

Well, that about does it for my two and a half pages of double-spaced typewritten thoughts for this issue. No reading of the Canon involved in this column, as should be obvious. Want to give it a try? It can be a lot of fun, once you get used to those deadlines (remember those little Latin words on the cover-we do publish on time here). You can do better than this, can't you?

Please?

(Printed in Plugs & Dottles, March 1989)