From the July 14, 1838 issue ...

Holmes and Watson Not Wanted In France: "Vidocq sucks!"

British boys don’t return empty handed

PUDDIN-ON-THE-HEAD, ENGLAND — Popular local lads, Jack P. Holmes and Henry M. Watson returned to Puddin-On-The-Head yesterday, having failed in their quest to find jobs with Le Bureau de Renseignements in Paris, the famed private detective agency run by Eugene Vidocq. Having traveled all the way to Number 13, Galerie Vivienne and up the narrow stairs to see the legendary criminal-turned-detective, the lads were granted an interview seemingly for the sole purpose of allowing Vidocq a target for whom to discourse upon his unseemly plans for Her Young and Nubile Majesty Queen Victoria’s virginity. When young Jack dared interrupt Monsieur Vidocq to mention that his uncle was the famed artist Vernet, the former criminal and current Frenchman told young Holmes that "art in zee blood is apt to mean venereal diseases zere as well!" and continued his verbal pillaging of Our Queen.

"Vidocq really sucks!" the boys exclaimed as one. "We hate him, and shall now spend our lives figuring out how to mess with him and steal his reputation as the world’s greatest private detective. And if we can’t do it, our children and their children will keep trying until they do it!"

While Vidocq was addressing young Holmes, the good Watson saw his chance and stole Vidocq’s brand new watch, which the boys brought back as a souvenir of their adventure. Young Watson’s father, Old Watson, proudly had their initials, "H" for Holmes and "W" for Watson, engraved upon the watch for his son, so that the boys would always remember their friendship, and that their sons could one day look at this same watch as they joined in adventures of their own.

"Henry Jr. and Mycroft will be the best of friends," Henry Watson announced, the lads having already decided on names for their future heirs.